Second choice

hello
i am always second choice and it sucks.
its not that i dont appreciate my friends and im glad they have opportunities but i just wish someone would think i was really pretty, think i was funny, you know people other than my friends seeing the few things that are actually good about me.
and apparently i copy my closest friend and i 'follow her around like a dog'. those words were said by someone who knows a lot about me and they will haunt me. its called being close friends, not following for fucks sake. im really shy, and i dont like people i dont really talk to seeing the real me so i hide stuff, but when i have someone who shares those things openly, im more likely to do so but because im shy it looks like im copying that person, im not. im just more reluctant. ahhh, people.

as soon as i get out of school it will be the best day of my life, no more judgemental twats((well at least out of school you can escape them)), no more teachers pressurizing you to do some shit homework thing that makes no sense, no more being terrified to walk along a corridor myself. yes, in the morning by myself theres people sitting across from my locker bit and i usually wait until someone im close to is in before i go to my locker because im scared they'll, i dont know, hate me, even though i shouldn't care about them. i just sort of hide in the bathroom with my ipod. pathetic, right?((rhetorical, of course it is))

im also worried about my friends and i dont know what to do. i feel like im not even helping but i wish i was, i want them to be happy and they're taking self harm and depression too lightly.

oh and lets not forget that i now dont want to make anymore vlogs, yaay. im scared people from school will find them, that they're not good enough and although i try and live by 'comparison is the thief of contentment' i still watch more 'famous' people's videos and get really pissed off that i dont have a fancy camera, good editing skills or funny stories to tell. but i guess they'll come in time, right? yeah i've started to doubt that, since i give up on like everything, i dont see much hope for my, er, 'youtube career'

sorry about the lack of grammar and stuff, im lazy when im ranting.
byeee